Do's and don'ts for cats with a house to run

I got this from somewhere years ago, and have no idea who the author is. You may or may not have seen it yourself. If you've ever had a cat, a lot of this is going to sound at least vaguely familiar ;-)

I. If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you can’t manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Lacking an Oriental, shag is good.

II. Every time you use the litter pan, get as much litter stuck to your paws and fur as possible. Distribute evenly throughout the house.

III. Doors
A. Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, sit in front and cry pitifully. If this does not work, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it.
B. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half-in and half-out and think about several things. This is especially important during very cold weather, rain, snow, and mosquito season.
C. Swinging doors: avoid.

IV.Guests
A. Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. You will know him/her because they will call you “nice kitty”. If you can arrange to have Puss ‘n’ Boots on your breathe, so much the better.
B. When sitting in laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors which contrast with your own. For example: for white furred cats, a good black wool is best.
C. For guests who gush “I just love kitties”, be ready with: 1) aloof disdain, 2) claws applied to stockings, or 3) a quick sharp nip to the ankle.
D. When walking among the dishes on the table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea to convey is “But you let me do it when there isn’t company.”
E. Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

V. If one of THEM is sewing or working with paper and pens and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. Following are the main tips for HAMPERING:
A. When supervising cooking or other activities in the kitchen, start out on the counter. After you have been removed from the counters once or twice, sit just behind the left heel. This way, you cannot be seen and therefore stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up and soothed or fed.
B. For book readers, get in close under the chin. Unless, of course, you can lay across the book itself.
C. For needleworkers, curl quietly in the lap and pretend to nap. Then reach out and slap needle(s) sharply. If you are offered a ball of yarn, ignore it. Repeat as needed.
D. People paying bills (monthly activity), or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activities) offer unique hampering opportunities. First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. Wait until the person is lulled into a false sense of security, then roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. Also chew on a few. After being removed a second time, push pens, pencils, erasers, etc. off the table one at a time.

VI. Dietary
A. Never eat from your own food bowl if you can steal from the table.
B. Never drink from your own water bowl if one of their glasses is full enough to drink from. Try to develop a “cute” habit such as drinking from a running faucet. Always refuse to drink unless the water is running just right. After this habit is firmly established, suddenly refuse to drink from anywhere but the toilet. This will keep them on their toes.
C. If you become bored with your diet, immediately after food is placed in your dish try to cover it with the newspaper under your bowl. Sometimes this can even result in your fresh bowl of water being tipped over.

MOST IMPORTANT: Be sure to get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for playing Catch Mouse or King-of-the-Hill on their bed between 2 and 4 a.m.

Begin basic training early and you will have a smooth-running household. Humans need to know a few basic rules, and they learn easily if you start early.